A woman takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.
Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
Wait For It !!
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
You dont know shit
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Interesting Definitions
1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. ..
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: books which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?
30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. ..
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: books which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?
30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Some Lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Interesting facts
1
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side
2
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human
body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4
Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin
film of bacteria on it.
5
The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or
nothing'..
6
The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7
The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
something pleasing.
8
The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to
100 times a day.
10
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11
Dalmatians are born without spots.
12
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13
The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for
'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings)
14
Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left
15
The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds
raise their lower eyelids
16
The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by
a bee
17
Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks
18
The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming
hormones
19
Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die
20
Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart
21
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are
antonyms of each other: adhere and separate
22
When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red
23
When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red
24
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato
can for a carburetor
25
The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney
26
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros
27
Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan,
instead of flag of Japan
28
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a
film about it
29
The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples
30
There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower
31
The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of
nitrogen gas bubbles bursting
32
Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death
33
It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body
34
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
35
Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game
36
The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye.
It takes in oxygen directly from the air
37
Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and
140,000 people die
38
In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10
because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
39
Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking
countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
40
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are
the rabbit and the parrot
41
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
42
The average person laughs 13 times a day
43
Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no
evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)
44
Women blink nearly twice as much as men
45
German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog
46
Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump
47
Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of
sound
48
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,
escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless
protesters to death
49
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.
50
The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30
feet!!
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side
2
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human
body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
3
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
4
Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin
film of bacteria on it.
5
The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or
nothing'..
6
The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.
7
The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at
something pleasing.
8
The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
9
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.
Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to
100 times a day.
10
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
11
Dalmatians are born without spots.
12
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
13
The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus', but for
'and' (in civil proceedings) or 'against' (in criminal proceedings)
14
Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the
buttons on the left
15
The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds
raise their lower eyelids
16
The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by
a bee
17
Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks
18
The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming
hormones
19
Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die
20
Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart
21
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are
antonyms of each other: adhere and separate
22
When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red
23
When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red
24
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato
can for a carburetor
25
The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney
26
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros
27
Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan,
instead of flag of Japan
28
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a
film about it
29
The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples
30
There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower
31
The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of
nitrogen gas bubbles bursting
32
Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death
33
It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body
34
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
35
Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game
36
The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye.
It takes in oxygen directly from the air
37
Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and
140,000 people die
38
In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10
because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).
39
Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking
countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
40
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are
the rabbit and the parrot
41
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
42
The average person laughs 13 times a day
43
Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no
evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)
44
Women blink nearly twice as much as men
45
German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog
46
Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump
47
Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of
sound
48
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,
escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless
protesters to death
49
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.
50
The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30
feet!!
There's no one indispensable
A really beautiful message , that makes one to do some introspection & soul - searching...
Sometime when you’re feeling important;
Sometime when your ego’s in bloom
Sometime when you take it for granted
You’re the best qualified in the room,
Sometime when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how they humble your soul;
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that’s remaining
Is a measure of how you’ll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop and you’ll find that in no time
It looks quite the same as before.
The moral of this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There’s no indispensable man.
Sometime when you’re feeling important;
Sometime when your ego’s in bloom
Sometime when you take it for granted
You’re the best qualified in the room,
Sometime when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how they humble your soul;
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to the wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that’s remaining
Is a measure of how you’ll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop and you’ll find that in no time
It looks quite the same as before.
The moral of this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself but remember,
There’s no indispensable man.
Funny one liners
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else.
A bridge to Hawaii (Joke)
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to."
The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want
to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me
the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say
'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
sudden he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
want to."
The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify
me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want
to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me
the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say
'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Fastest thing in the world.
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from
Punjab University were to be interviewed
for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all
4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, nothing can travel faster
than light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because
thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's
hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!
Punjab University were to be interviewed
for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all
4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE guy: Its light, nothing can travel faster
than light.
HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because
thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.
MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it's
hard to realize you blinked
SANTA SINGH: Its Loose Motion
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!
Some W a c k y Quotes
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's
there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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